hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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