I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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