i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
we're so committed to being not committed
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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