Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize