It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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