i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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