remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
