I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
