if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
