I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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