We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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