Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I understand Curling. That high.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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