I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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