Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
