Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
