my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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