I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize