No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
