1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
