So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
