I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
