I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
