last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
