you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
