i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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