God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I need water and some morals
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
