Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
