I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
