I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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