Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
