i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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