Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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