Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My bed smells like the plague
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
