Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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