I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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