The best revenge is premature balding
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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