I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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