You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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