I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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