Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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