he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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