i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
