i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
