and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
