yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If that was your dad, he is hot
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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