just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
