Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
