someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
