ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
