The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
