I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
