I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
