The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
