I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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