so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
