Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
