Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You are the jesus of drinking
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
