I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I will pee on everything he values.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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