please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
