How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There r osticjed everywhere
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
did you just send me my own nude
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
