I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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