It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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