it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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