According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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