I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize