this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Vodka?
Forever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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