so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm sobbing to NWA
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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