There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize